The Post That Was Eighteen Years In the Making

Have you heard of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs? If you haven't it is essentially "Maslow's hierarchy of needs is often depicted as a pyramid consisting of five levels: the four lower levels are grouped together as deficiency needs associated with physiological needs, while the top level is termed growth needs associated with psychological needs. While our deficiency needs must be met, our being needs are continually shaping our behaviour. The basic concept is that the higher needs in this hierarchy only come into focus once all the needs that are lower down in the pyramid are mainly or entirely satisfied. Growth forces create upward movement in the hierarchy, whereas regressive forces push prepotent needs further down the hierarchy." - Wikipedia.

Thanks to a high school teacher I know of this theory and can create my post with a scientific basis. But before this I tell you a tale of how I once was...

Not so many moons ago I was a high schooler. In grade nine I adored high school, straightened my hair everyday to attrack the male species especially one unfortunately named Mark Billington (he was English okay?) and generally got 70s. In grade ten I stopped straightening my hair, met a new best friend, become obnoixiously and defencively Christian and got 90s, while suffering from low self esteem due to lack of male species. Oh and I started dressing slightly punk but more on that later. In grade eleven I was my own cool, suffered horribly in piano, tried to continue an aire of possibly punk yet lovely got 80s and stopped being miserable about boys - because I found one. In grade 12 I was moody, pessimistic, got 90s, skipped class, fought the system, attempted fashionable grace, dated seriously, caused as much trouble I could without retribution in the scholastic system and worked my face off to get to University while things became more tense living with my parents.

Then Self-Actualization - University.

I don't know about you but University has been the best thing yet. Its like all of high school was this awful period of bad makeup, bad hair, experimenting with my personality, indecision, rebellion and general grumpiness against everything repressing me from post-secondary education. And now the curtain lifts on me...this is me world...forget that awful high school persona - this is the me that has struggled through four years to become...this.

And for the first time in my life I love...this. This thing - me. I love my life.

I see high school was not a waste of time, no it was a testing ground for the me of today. All those extracurriculars? Choir, Newspaper, Radio, Speeches, Reach for the Top etc gave birth to my new life of extracurriculars - Journalism guild, Radio and being a Big Sister. Those subjects that I loved and high school and those I deplored have rearranged themselves to create nothing - and I leave them to pursue the wonders of Journalism - a subject I adore with such verocity that well ...I used the word verocity for. And politics! My calling! No longer do I want to do music journalism - but politics, the intriguing world of handshakes and backstabbing and power suits! (My love of fashion that once prompted me to be a lawyer - till I realized we have to wear those GODFORSAKEN robes )

And the teachers I loved and tried to cultivate a relationship with, particulary my music teacher who always seemed quasi interested in me - who I tried desperately to please to no avail and who I proudly told I QUIT to, well who needs them? I have professors! - whose knowledge reaches the level of doctor and those who do not but I admire endlessly and I can talk to and relate to and chat with - screw music teachers - I have journalism teachers who i please without trying. Wunderbar. And fellow students who hate math as much as me. HA!

Besides my academic sides, my personality is who I was trying to be for four years. I dress elegantly, I have cut my hair shorter and dyed it dark brown, I throw fancy dress parties in my apartment, I still adore and attempt art, I go to the gallery, I work at a fine theatre, I watch art films and documentaries, yet I'm still goofy, silly and cynical - my favourite combination.

I cook fairly well, I enjoy my coffee and newspapers daily. I revel in those moments where I catch myself encapsulating everything I ever wanted to be: me in the street, good hair day, outfit consisting of funky jewellery and nice outfit (today six strands of fake pearls, a black blazer over a black sweater, blue jeans and black leather heels and perhaps my favourite accessory - a ring from my boyfriend who loves me impeccably) going for coffee, after a meeting about the radio event I'm helping to set up, with my Toronto Star in my purse and a moment to rest before heading to the library.

I am attempting self-actualization. And some days I'm pretty damn close.

Leaving behind high school, family, friends has let myself grow into well, myself. Of course there are growing pains - missing those I left, and trying to perfect those relationships from a distance, those moments when my apartment is a hazard zone (like right now) and trying to live within my means - but I'm getting there. And I will continue to get there.

A slight nuggle in my plan...I love my new self but will my old friends and family? That adaptation is interesting and will be attempted with grace but might not go swimmingly - but alas they can either love me or leave me. Perhaps that is the most important revelation in the attempt of self-actualization.