At the end of my rope...

16 days, 10 hours, 37 minutes and 3 seconds...2 seconds...1 second...

The countdown has begun till exams are over and it can't be soon enough. I love University - honestly and truly I do but my god I will be a happy camper when this is done. I am so sick of my profs and my courses and my textbooks and crazy syllabuses and projects and midterms and more midterms and assignments and everything that if this semester doesn't end soon I will be very very - sad.

But it is almost done. I must remember this...its almost over. A good mantra really - university is almost done...for now.

While we are at it I am sick of this day as well. It's only 1:26 but I don't like it so far. I'm tired. And grumpy. So there.

I've been a lot of both lately. I'm sorry. I'm going to stop blabbering now.

Buh bye.

Frozen Toes and Melting Heart (CHEESE)

I went to the Santa Claus Parade tonight to write an article. Then I started to cry. I have been so mushy lately; quite ridiculous.

I started thinking that I was alone at the Santa Claus Parade. The last time to a parade I went I was six and with my family. Now I'm in a foreign city alone.

The Nightmare Before Christmas

This is the dream I had last night.

In my dream I was at a event of some sort where we had to watch disney cartoons for twelve hours; my entire immediate family was there and we watched the cartoons. By the time the cartoons were finished it was 10am the people at the event worked for Canadian Tire (even though the building and uniforms look like Home Depot). They said that they are doing a fundraising event for people who do not have shoes or floors and if we bring in shoes and ceramic tiles for tonight the poor shoeless, floorless people will get shoes and a floor. Hearing this I immediatly start to gather up old shoes and end up with 22 pairs. I was and bleach them (they were all white), sew the bits falling up back on and generally clean them up really really well. I also go out and find tiles at the dollar store cheap so that the shoeless, floorless may have shoes and floors. So this takes another 12 hours to do and at the end of the day I'm tired and bit cranky because I haven't been able to talk to Dave but I know that I will be done soon and it will all be worth it.

So I cart off all the shoes and ceramic tiles to Canadian Tire. When I arrive there are other people there with shopping carts full of shoes and tiles just like me and we all wait around. An anouncement is made saying that they are no longer doing to fundraiser for whatever reason so we can just take all our shoes and tiles and beat it. I trip out.

I start screaming "WHAT ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO NEED SHOES!?" "WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO!?" "HOW CAN YOU DO THIS" "I WANT TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE!" So they pull the crazy lady (me) aside and start saying that I have to leave, they don't want to give the shoeless shoes anymore. And I start throwing a ceramic tile at this guy. "I want to talk to your MANAGER!!!!" (who is the lady running the cartoons the previous night), well they say she will meet you over here and they take me to the back of the building in an aisle no one ever goes down. As I'm waiting there I realize the reason they put me here is so no one can here my yelling. So I barge out and say "I'm not waiting there. You are just doing it so no one heres me yelling!" They say, "Thats true, I was cutting metal over in aisle 13 and all I could hear was you". So I stand in the centre hallway and wait. And while I'm waiting a girl from one of my classes who in real life I don't think likes me comes up in her home depot uniform and starts mocking me.

SO obviously, I start kickboxing and punching at her for the sake of the shoeless and floorless everywhere. So we are fighting but every few minutes I start to break down and cry saying "how can you not think of the shoeless! they have no shoes! do this for them! and I'm absolutely balling my eyes out. Its awful. Then I wake up.

The funny thing about me though is if the dream is bad enough like that it will effect me. So I tell Dave the whole story and he knows I get the strangest most twisted dreams which he has accepted by now and being the good person he is asks..."are you okay"?

Ripple Effect

{Self-Portrait}

My mother yelled at me last night.
This makes me act like a small wounded animal; I crawl into my corner, hold my blanket and eat chocolate.

Only my mother can do this to me.

As most of you know, I have a strong personality. I have my definte opinions and have my own way of communicating with the world. I don't when my mother yells at me.

I don't know why she scares me so badly when she does, I'm 18 but when she yells I'm instantly three again. My mother is my kriptonite.

I love her and I know she loves me but when she is mad - give me my blanket and reeses cups...you won't see me for a while.

In the case of my mother I can either fight or flight. I have fought many a time before, I don't like seeing her like that. I don't like me seeing her as that. So I hide.

My mother was angry that I wasn't coming home for Christmas longer. I'm going from the morning of the 23rd to the afternoon of the 28th, I would have liked to stay longer but I have to work. I tried to tell her that and I just started crying and immediately felt sorry for my self.

But I do have to work because I have to pay for things: like the bloody train tickets down and back. My parents pay my rent and God bless them for it but I pay my electricity bill, my gas bill, my tuition, my groceries and my text books. Which is a lot for a part time university student. I don't want to talk about this anymore. I'm still upset.

The Day of Perfect Sensibility and Progress

{Oh how sensible!}

Today is feeling quaint, that is if a day could feel quaint. Perhaps it is my progress and exceptional time management skills today that feel quaint because I know they will never, ever last.

Well I rose at perfectly sensible hour of 8:50am to wake up, shower {including shaving my entire legs which never happens in the winter because I will not be wearing anything shorter than knee length but for the sake of progress I shave}, get dressed in comfortable university type clothes and head of to speak to a professor. I arrive, we chat, I get accepted into his class of now five. Ooh, I love the small campus. I leave and head over to the library to work and find great literature. After an hour or so I departand head for the local mall. I buy a gift bag and some gum - all perfectly reasonable. I walk over to university campus buildings, drop of required things to drop off and venture into the new student centre where emotion takes over.

It's f-in gorgeous! The student lounge is like a nice hotel. I want to live there.

Now, back to the perfectly reasonable. I take a local paper from the lounge, walk to the movie store, rent When Harry Met Sally for...
Watch out ...unreasonable...for the scene where she fakes an orgasim in a diner and a woman says to a waitress "I want what she's having"...hilarious...

Okay, back to perfectly sensible. I pay my late fees, go home, pick up flyers and my mail, walk up the stairs and to my apartment and sit and think how sensible I am.

And ponder...how long is it going to last?

Let them eat cake and binge drink

{tyr and sotp me, you wont cause you dont care that much}

I know I shouldnt be doing this. But i am. I am drinking while writing an essay. I know that usually I am a responsible, good natured person and I know this blog will surely haunt me when my friends realize what I am doing. And they will respect me less. But this blog is not for their benefit but for mine. Today as the stress hits me; 72.4% on my SoPo project, 64 or somthing % on my ReARg midterm and an essay due tomorrow and an exam and work and a project due that I really need to work on somemore and an overdose on Jaffa Cakes [i admit it a whole box] and late fines and no mooney and course decisions and the fear of rejection all lead me to one conclusion about an hour ago. Crack the music, take off my sweater, open a bottle of booze and dance around my living room like the idiot I secretely am. Hold on...I like this song. And you know what is sadder than all my exploits? The fact that no one living in this city cares enough to stop me. So BAH HUMBUG! I drown my cares in a tiny bottle of booze and don't feel good about it. I wish I was doing something else, somewhere else - I know why university students commit suicide. I heard Trent University students have longer reading weeks because their suicide rate is so high. Makes sense. I won't die but I will dance in my underwear with a bottle of booze in my hand for the most childish reason possible - no one can stop me.

Give Me A Second...

{are you the bird or the idiot in the taxi?}

There are exactly...one...two...three...eight days of school left [not including weekends] and the school work has gotten to the point where I no longer feel like I'm living. I'm not sure what day it is, what is due when, but I know if I stop working I will infact explode. I feel like I haven't stopped working since Monday at 10am; work is only punctuated with sleep at random intervals, phone calls, some eating [not much], showering and the changing of clothes. Not till December 5th will I function properly again. I have become a university robot.

This is actually a rare affliction, only happening to those with some procrastination tendencies, a large workload and the sentiment to actually care about their grades regardless that they are now in University and no longer have to fight to rest uncomfortably in its ivory arms.

As a three month old student I know a few things now that I would like to tell myself back in August if I sometime in the near future recieve a time machine:

• 8:30 classes are brutal and don't get behind in your readings.
• The 21st class is going to be a waste of time.
• Try to eat things before they rot.
• Don't wait to do laundry till your on your last pair of everything.
• Don't let yourself work as much as you do.

These things may seem like common sense but to my own psyche they are not, apparently.

Now time for random questions:

• Is it better for one to speak two languages half descently or one language perfectly?
• If you leave your cell phone in your refrigerator can you hear it when it rings? [tested, the answer is yes - even on vibrate!]
• If the goverment goes to the American time change of two hours each way I will never be able to get up for 8:30 classes, are they really that dumb to do that to me!? [hypothesis, yes they are that dumb]
• Is scratching oneself a nervous or anxious tendency?
• Cellar Door: is it really the most beautiful phrase?
• Do I have a big nose? [no more make over shows for me]

One Week To Take Over the World

{Neon Was Invented Today}

Well, maybe not TAKE over the world but thats what it sure feels like sometimes.
This week has been full of volunteering and commitees and essays and studying some good old fashioned ass-kicking.

I want to be on the journalism guild commitee to help the program grow - but mostly because I'm passionate about journalism, I'm damn smart and I'm the only one I trust not to f this up. And I think my Prof already made me Exec. Should I start printing business cards?

Today I worked on getting things ready for the premiere that I'm organizing and that city hall is going to show up to...boooh ya! I ran around photocopying flyers, fixing press releases, booking rooms and speakers for the second showing and working out story ideas. It twas a day of work but I loved it.

And I woke up at 9 this morning to read the Communist Manifesto. All in a day's work really.

Tonight I have to study, do laundry and continue to plot my world domination. But first...I'm hungry.