Afraid

I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know if anyone else is feeling like this but as my first night back in my apartment alone - I'm afraid to go to sleep.

Everytime I hear someone in the hallway or a loud noise or a siren my pulse quickens and I get so afraid. I also had two major fears, the first was my residence being on fire and the second was having someone break in. One down.

I really don't know how I will sleep tonight. I'm waiting to hear someone pound on my door or running in the hallways or something...

This whole experience has left me feeling helpless and empty and very tired and lost. I am so far behind in my school work and house work that I'm overwhelmed and very unsure of what to do first and what to do with myself.

Dave was here today and helped me do some dishes. This helped. But its like I can't function. I was never so scared in my life last Tuesday.

I thought that everything I owned was going to be gone, I thought that my life was over. I'm still in shock of seeing the building on fire...I still have that image in my head. I'm still nauseated.

The Sad Aftermath in Sepia and B&W

Tuesday

Just when you think you've got life figured out it sends you a curve ball...or in this case a fire ball. On tuesday night after I had gone to the movies with Colleen, after I was tucked into bed and almost naked, just before I was saying my goodnights...someone starts pounding on the door - "GET OUT OF THE BUILDING!"...and my pulse starts to race. I can't decide whether to ignore my possibly drunk neighbours or to heed their warning. I decide on the side of safety and grab that days clothes, my keys and my cell phone and leave my apartment.

I smell smoke. I tell Dave I'll call him back.

I run downstairs, someone tells me the church is on fire. I try to call Colleen.

I see Colleen at the bottom of the stairs and run to her, grab onto her arm and we walk/run/escape outside.

I look up and see something like this.
I start to panic and I remember being at a loss for words but not for thoughts. I was thinking "there goes my life, I'm going to have nothing, everything I have is going to burn away, I'm going to have to drop out of University, I will have nothing" - but my mouth was just saying "Oh my God" over and over.

At this point I start to hyperventalate. The fire looks like its going to spread, my apartment building is only ten feet away from the flames. We can feel the heat of the fire on our faces. I can't watch this anymore. I can't watch my life burn away.I wonder what I looked like at that moment - because Colleen and Jocelyn pulled me away and took me to another building. I dont remember walking there. I just remember showing up. No one has pulled the fire alarm yet.
I remember calling my parents, buddy picking up the phone and saying that I can't talk to them - they were sleeping. Due to stress I kind of freaked out and said YOU CAN WAKE THEM UP MY BUILDINGS ON FIRE! And he immediately gave my Dad the phone.
He told me everything would be okay - a reacurring theme from Dave and my Dad and Colleen and Jocelyne - which was good because I was convinced it wasnt going to be.

After we were all taken to the basement of GRH where we were given candy and water and tylenol to keep us calm. It kind of remands a blur where I was just scared.

Eventually we were sorted out to sleep at Erin's that night while other students were being shipped to the Holiday Inn.

The night at Erin's was restless. I sat in the living room and watched the fire till 4am when I finally couldn't watch anymore. I went to sleep.
When I awoke I watched some more. It was impossible to look away knowing that my house was right there and I couldn't tell what had become of it. When Dave called me that morning as we talked I continued to stare into the space that once was occupied by the church - the steeple still stood and I watched as a piece fell off.
After that I just wanted to see my building but at the same time feared that more than anything. I didnt want to walk around the corner and see blackened walls, chunks of my apartment missing etc. When I first saw the church though my breath was taken away. It was gone.

Later on in the day we were told that our apartments should be fine but we can't go home just yet. They were worried about the church building collapsing onto ours and because of this at two o'clock we were given 20 minutes to rush in and grab whatever belongings we needed to sustain us for un indeterminate amount of time.

So we made a plan: Laura and Erin and Scott would help us - Laura would come with me and Erin would go with Colleen. We had our list of belongings and would grab while the other packed.
To say this went well would be an understatement. We were out in just over 10 minutes and Colleen had enough stuff with her for a very very long time.

Soon the bus arrived and off we went. We went to the Holiday Inn, struggled to drag our possessions to the hotel room and promptly collapsed. The last day and a half had been an emotional rollarcoaster and we were tired.

We put on our pajamas, and went to bed. At 3:30pm.

We didn't move till dinner when we had milkshakes - all we could stomach. The University set us up that we could have $10 a meal and we would have to pay the difference. We were well taken care off.

The next few days are a blur. I have just returned home and I'm so grateful everything is okay. We are still tired, but releaved. Our home is safe and we are safe at home.

The Post That Was Eighteen Years In the Making

Have you heard of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs? If you haven't it is essentially "Maslow's hierarchy of needs is often depicted as a pyramid consisting of five levels: the four lower levels are grouped together as deficiency needs associated with physiological needs, while the top level is termed growth needs associated with psychological needs. While our deficiency needs must be met, our being needs are continually shaping our behaviour. The basic concept is that the higher needs in this hierarchy only come into focus once all the needs that are lower down in the pyramid are mainly or entirely satisfied. Growth forces create upward movement in the hierarchy, whereas regressive forces push prepotent needs further down the hierarchy." - Wikipedia.

Thanks to a high school teacher I know of this theory and can create my post with a scientific basis. But before this I tell you a tale of how I once was...

Not so many moons ago I was a high schooler. In grade nine I adored high school, straightened my hair everyday to attrack the male species especially one unfortunately named Mark Billington (he was English okay?) and generally got 70s. In grade ten I stopped straightening my hair, met a new best friend, become obnoixiously and defencively Christian and got 90s, while suffering from low self esteem due to lack of male species. Oh and I started dressing slightly punk but more on that later. In grade eleven I was my own cool, suffered horribly in piano, tried to continue an aire of possibly punk yet lovely got 80s and stopped being miserable about boys - because I found one. In grade 12 I was moody, pessimistic, got 90s, skipped class, fought the system, attempted fashionable grace, dated seriously, caused as much trouble I could without retribution in the scholastic system and worked my face off to get to University while things became more tense living with my parents.

Then Self-Actualization - University.

I don't know about you but University has been the best thing yet. Its like all of high school was this awful period of bad makeup, bad hair, experimenting with my personality, indecision, rebellion and general grumpiness against everything repressing me from post-secondary education. And now the curtain lifts on me...this is me world...forget that awful high school persona - this is the me that has struggled through four years to become...this.

And for the first time in my life I love...this. This thing - me. I love my life.

I see high school was not a waste of time, no it was a testing ground for the me of today. All those extracurriculars? Choir, Newspaper, Radio, Speeches, Reach for the Top etc gave birth to my new life of extracurriculars - Journalism guild, Radio and being a Big Sister. Those subjects that I loved and high school and those I deplored have rearranged themselves to create nothing - and I leave them to pursue the wonders of Journalism - a subject I adore with such verocity that well ...I used the word verocity for. And politics! My calling! No longer do I want to do music journalism - but politics, the intriguing world of handshakes and backstabbing and power suits! (My love of fashion that once prompted me to be a lawyer - till I realized we have to wear those GODFORSAKEN robes )

And the teachers I loved and tried to cultivate a relationship with, particulary my music teacher who always seemed quasi interested in me - who I tried desperately to please to no avail and who I proudly told I QUIT to, well who needs them? I have professors! - whose knowledge reaches the level of doctor and those who do not but I admire endlessly and I can talk to and relate to and chat with - screw music teachers - I have journalism teachers who i please without trying. Wunderbar. And fellow students who hate math as much as me. HA!

Besides my academic sides, my personality is who I was trying to be for four years. I dress elegantly, I have cut my hair shorter and dyed it dark brown, I throw fancy dress parties in my apartment, I still adore and attempt art, I go to the gallery, I work at a fine theatre, I watch art films and documentaries, yet I'm still goofy, silly and cynical - my favourite combination.

I cook fairly well, I enjoy my coffee and newspapers daily. I revel in those moments where I catch myself encapsulating everything I ever wanted to be: me in the street, good hair day, outfit consisting of funky jewellery and nice outfit (today six strands of fake pearls, a black blazer over a black sweater, blue jeans and black leather heels and perhaps my favourite accessory - a ring from my boyfriend who loves me impeccably) going for coffee, after a meeting about the radio event I'm helping to set up, with my Toronto Star in my purse and a moment to rest before heading to the library.

I am attempting self-actualization. And some days I'm pretty damn close.

Leaving behind high school, family, friends has let myself grow into well, myself. Of course there are growing pains - missing those I left, and trying to perfect those relationships from a distance, those moments when my apartment is a hazard zone (like right now) and trying to live within my means - but I'm getting there. And I will continue to get there.

A slight nuggle in my plan...I love my new self but will my old friends and family? That adaptation is interesting and will be attempted with grace but might not go swimmingly - but alas they can either love me or leave me. Perhaps that is the most important revelation in the attempt of self-actualization.