[ insert thoughtful thoughts of wonder here]I have a friend who says she hates organized religion. To this I can understand, Christians can be obnoxious, stupid and argumentative on occasion. This is not any different from any other religion or group of human beings. Christians seem to just pronounce how much they love Jesus while they are acting obnoxious, stupid and argumentative. This is not the point of my blog however, it is the problem with the term organized religion.
I don't know about you but nothing about my faith is organized.
For the past three years I have been in spiritual turmoil. Join from a Jesus freak to an agnostic, to falling on my knees and crying 'what does it all mean'? What I didn't connect til know is how this spiritual crisis has affected everything else.
Today, I woke up miserable for no good reason. I talked to my bf, he was grumpy and that just accelerated my feelings of complete worthlessness. I felt I was fat, had bad skin, looked like shit, ate like shit, lived like shit and had the monetary worth in my bank account of shit.
When I feel like this I rely on the ol'bf to cheer me up and move me forward. He has not been so good at this lately and it sends me on a loop of WHAT DOES THIS REALLY MEAN? Well, today at two o'clock as I balled my eyes out in the bathtub after another unsatisfactory conversation with the bf wondering why I am insane, I think something clicked...
Now, before I say what, I give this discretion. I have had epiphanies before...they usually last all of seven minutes and end in nothing but frustrated blogging about how wrong I was. So once again, if this all goes tits up I plead insanity as that was my original diagnosis and my mother always said to go with your first instinct.
What I think I realized is I'm trying to put my bf, in the God shaped hole. And it makes sense, I am completely insecure at times and lean on him, rather unfairly, to fix me til another insecurity attack occurs. This results in long, annoying frustrating phone calls for the both of us which end in misery more often than not. What I think I need is more God in my life.
But this time it has to be different, I'm re-entering cautious of religion, cautious of people and perhaps a bit wiser aka jaded. What I do know, is my plan of resolution for a new year always leads to let down and that optimism doesn't last long around these parts. I'm depressed today and I need a new drug. Alcohol works only when I'm happy, cheesecake usually wins when I am sad. Since this year is supposed to be a new better me and its the fourth and I'm depressed already it seems it will be a fat fat year if cheesecake and annoying the bf win over God. Better to fill a God shaped hole than a pie hole.
I don't know about you but nothing about my faith is organized.
For the past three years I have been in spiritual turmoil. Join from a Jesus freak to an agnostic, to falling on my knees and crying 'what does it all mean'? What I didn't connect til know is how this spiritual crisis has affected everything else.
Today, I woke up miserable for no good reason. I talked to my bf, he was grumpy and that just accelerated my feelings of complete worthlessness. I felt I was fat, had bad skin, looked like shit, ate like shit, lived like shit and had the monetary worth in my bank account of shit.
When I feel like this I rely on the ol'bf to cheer me up and move me forward. He has not been so good at this lately and it sends me on a loop of WHAT DOES THIS REALLY MEAN? Well, today at two o'clock as I balled my eyes out in the bathtub after another unsatisfactory conversation with the bf wondering why I am insane, I think something clicked...
Now, before I say what, I give this discretion. I have had epiphanies before...they usually last all of seven minutes and end in nothing but frustrated blogging about how wrong I was. So once again, if this all goes tits up I plead insanity as that was my original diagnosis and my mother always said to go with your first instinct.
What I think I realized is I'm trying to put my bf, in the God shaped hole. And it makes sense, I am completely insecure at times and lean on him, rather unfairly, to fix me til another insecurity attack occurs. This results in long, annoying frustrating phone calls for the both of us which end in misery more often than not. What I think I need is more God in my life.
But this time it has to be different, I'm re-entering cautious of religion, cautious of people and perhaps a bit wiser aka jaded. What I do know, is my plan of resolution for a new year always leads to let down and that optimism doesn't last long around these parts. I'm depressed today and I need a new drug. Alcohol works only when I'm happy, cheesecake usually wins when I am sad. Since this year is supposed to be a new better me and its the fourth and I'm depressed already it seems it will be a fat fat year if cheesecake and annoying the bf win over God. Better to fill a God shaped hole than a pie hole.
