[ insert thoughtful thoughts of wonder here]I have a friend who says she hates organized religion. To this I can understand, Christians can be obnoxious, stupid and argumentative on occasion. This is not any different from any other religion or group of human beings. Christians seem to just pronounce how much they love Jesus while they are acting obnoxious, stupid and argumentative. This is not the point of my blog however, it is the problem with the term organized religion.
I don't know about you but nothing about my faith is organized.
For the past three years I have been in spiritual turmoil. Join from a Jesus freak to an agnostic, to falling on my knees and crying 'what does it all mean'? What I didn't connect til know is how this spiritual crisis has affected everything else.
Today, I woke up miserable for no good reason. I talked to my bf, he was grumpy and that just accelerated my feelings of complete worthlessness. I felt I was fat, had bad skin, looked like shit, ate like shit, lived like shit and had the monetary worth in my bank account of shit.
When I feel like this I rely on the ol'bf to cheer me up and move me forward. He has not been so good at this lately and it sends me on a loop of WHAT DOES THIS REALLY MEAN? Well, today at two o'clock as I balled my eyes out in the bathtub after another unsatisfactory conversation with the bf wondering why I am insane, I think something clicked...
Now, before I say what, I give this discretion. I have had epiphanies before...they usually last all of seven minutes and end in nothing but frustrated blogging about how wrong I was. So once again, if this all goes tits up I plead insanity as that was my original diagnosis and my mother always said to go with your first instinct.
What I think I realized is I'm trying to put my bf, in the God shaped hole. And it makes sense, I am completely insecure at times and lean on him, rather unfairly, to fix me til another insecurity attack occurs. This results in long, annoying frustrating phone calls for the both of us which end in misery more often than not. What I think I need is more God in my life.
But this time it has to be different, I'm re-entering cautious of religion, cautious of people and perhaps a bit wiser aka jaded. What I do know, is my plan of resolution for a new year always leads to let down and that optimism doesn't last long around these parts. I'm depressed today and I need a new drug. Alcohol works only when I'm happy, cheesecake usually wins when I am sad. Since this year is supposed to be a new better me and its the fourth and I'm depressed already it seems it will be a fat fat year if cheesecake and annoying the bf win over God. Better to fill a God shaped hole than a pie hole.
I don't know about you but nothing about my faith is organized.
For the past three years I have been in spiritual turmoil. Join from a Jesus freak to an agnostic, to falling on my knees and crying 'what does it all mean'? What I didn't connect til know is how this spiritual crisis has affected everything else.
Today, I woke up miserable for no good reason. I talked to my bf, he was grumpy and that just accelerated my feelings of complete worthlessness. I felt I was fat, had bad skin, looked like shit, ate like shit, lived like shit and had the monetary worth in my bank account of shit.
When I feel like this I rely on the ol'bf to cheer me up and move me forward. He has not been so good at this lately and it sends me on a loop of WHAT DOES THIS REALLY MEAN? Well, today at two o'clock as I balled my eyes out in the bathtub after another unsatisfactory conversation with the bf wondering why I am insane, I think something clicked...
Now, before I say what, I give this discretion. I have had epiphanies before...they usually last all of seven minutes and end in nothing but frustrated blogging about how wrong I was. So once again, if this all goes tits up I plead insanity as that was my original diagnosis and my mother always said to go with your first instinct.
What I think I realized is I'm trying to put my bf, in the God shaped hole. And it makes sense, I am completely insecure at times and lean on him, rather unfairly, to fix me til another insecurity attack occurs. This results in long, annoying frustrating phone calls for the both of us which end in misery more often than not. What I think I need is more God in my life.
But this time it has to be different, I'm re-entering cautious of religion, cautious of people and perhaps a bit wiser aka jaded. What I do know, is my plan of resolution for a new year always leads to let down and that optimism doesn't last long around these parts. I'm depressed today and I need a new drug. Alcohol works only when I'm happy, cheesecake usually wins when I am sad. Since this year is supposed to be a new better me and its the fourth and I'm depressed already it seems it will be a fat fat year if cheesecake and annoying the bf win over God. Better to fill a God shaped hole than a pie hole.
2 comments:
*nods*
Your words are wise.
I didn't figure taht out until late in 3rd year... last year. And I'm still struggling to get enough God back into my life. It's rough. And it's even tougher when you can't contact your other Christian friends at all... or haven't been to Church in over 6 months (or maybe it's more like 9 for me now? Was Easter really the last time I was there!?) It's hard when your fiancé doesnt' like "organized religion" and doesn't want to pray with you... and thinks that you're way too fundamentalist and naive. And that's frustrating as all shit too.
I hope you can keep up with God, and your studies, unlike me. It's barely a month in, and somehow I am already ridiculously behind in my reading - even when I only have one class with much reading at all!
And, although I still pray everynight, I can't remember the last time I cracked open my Bible for longer than a chapter... or at all.. I may have been relying on Biblegateway.com too much... or myself too much... or anything too much.
I completely understand. And life sucks hard sometimes...
But you're amazing, intelligent, and beautiful, Holly. And the best friend I could EVER ask for. *hugs*
So don't worry so much... and give yourself a hug. Even if it is in the guise of a cheesecake. Just remember that cheesecake isn't everything... and it won't solve all your problems. It still tastes good and cheers you up, so it's good for that.
Holly, maybe Robin, Bobbie, and Bill will make you feel better?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQfSfItLQ0Y
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