Dear Self of August 6th 2005

You are new to the adventure called living on your own and I promise it does get easier my dear you just need to wait. You will get a job soon I promise and everything will work out just fine. Patience.

That is something you need to learn for the coming year patience and persurvenace. You will be tested in ways you never have before and life will change all around you. Stick to your guns and you will be fine.

Advice:

1. Keep up on your dishes
2. Keep up on your readings
3. Organization is essential in University
4. University does not have to be capitalized all the time
5. You will be moving in less than a year - stay packed!
6. Don't over do it on the extracurriculars
7. Listen to my advice you stubborn mule!

Dream 1 - June 3, 2003

Dreams (literally) of mine in somewhat chronological order:

Way back when (about five years ago) *at the time of writing) when Titanic was the hottest movie EVER and Leo was the man of the moment I had the following dream...
All I know is that I am in Price Club all by myself.
All of a sudden there is Leonardo DiCaprio in a his *ahem* glory.
I really don't remember much about this dream at all but what I do remember is there was a candy store in the Price Club and in I went into it and I was looking at the pink 5 cent gums ( I forget what they are called, anyways...).
So in Leo walks and he starts chasing me, so I accendently grab the gum and run out of the store with Leo in *hot* pursuit.
So he continues to chase me around the Price Club.
I finally realize I still have the gum in my hands so I have to run back to the store and put it back so I wouldn't have commited robbery.
He continues to chase me until we run down a dark hallway.
Don't ask me why but we both have the feeling that we must hide from someone so we climb into one of those doggie carrier cages together.
(Don't ask how we are both supposed to fit in one of those, but we did) and that was the end of my dream.

Theory 1 - June 3, 2003

[Theroy 1]

There is a man named Bob who is trying to take over the world. My reasoning...think of children's entertainment moguls... think of the primary school phenoms. Think HARD! Think YELLOW! THINK SPONGE BOB...THINK BOB THE BUILDER....sponge bob the builder...bob...bob...he's getting into your children's minds...ah! And that concludes theroy one.

Post from the Past 1: June 7, 2003

The first of many posts from former blogs.

This is a poem/song I wrote after my mother forced me to put whey powder into my yogurt and eat it one hot summer night. It was gross.

~Late Night Yogurt~
***the following was inspired after an attempt to forcedown nutrition yogurt at 10:30 -11:30 pm...here is my story***

sittin around waiting for love
your all alone, you feel like mud
waiting and searching for the one
that makes bathtime so much fun
your sad so much it makes your throat hurt
cast your cares into the late night yogurt...

time passes on the yogurt still stirs
nothing has changed as the dairy just lays
on the spoon, staring at its fatewishing instead it was the plate
seconds pass, along with gas

you are lactose intolerant
this is your late night rant
still so much yogurt to go
the fruit on the bottom is starting to show
stir it mix it be careful what you do
do unto yogurt what you would have yogurt do to you

care free dairy is a thing of the past
the time is ticking your eyes are at half mast
yet the yogurt is there for you to eat and you must do it before you sleep
late night yogurt, a tribulation it is
eat it before it starts to fizz

Bridge:
strawberry, bumble berry, blueberry eww
late night yogurt, there is nothing you can do
just eat it, leave it and feed it to your brother
all this yogurt forced by your mother
late night yogurt it should be a crime
late night yogurt, taste like glue and pine
still so much yogurt to go
fruit on the bottom is starting to show
stir it mix it be careful what you
unto yogurt what you would have yogurt do to you

late night yogurt...oh ohhhhhhh...nothing like late night yogurt oh ohhhh....
fruit on the bottom is starting to show owwwww
late night yogurt...ohhh ohhhhhhhh!

Engaged, She is

I've fallen in love. I didn't think such violent things could happen to ordinary people.

Alright I was working on this very elaborate post but it got deleted and I am numb from the shock of how much time it took me and now its gone so here is a much faster version.


RANDOM QUOTES ABOUT LOVE HERE

RANDOM VERSES FROM SONGS WITH THE WORD LOVE IN THEM HERE

Okay, just the facts.

• Christine, my best friend of like long time (14+ years?) got engaged and she told me last night.
• I cried because thats awesome and scary and so permanent and ya.
• It's also very adult and its weird to think that you can decide who to marry but still laugh at fart jokes. I am not saying that Chris laughs at said jokes but the point is that its exciting and scary and wonderful.
• This is the part where I hope she doesn't desert me because she is hubbiafied and I will not be, yet.

{My ideal ring}

• This the part where I get all excitied about planning a wedding but there is no date yet and this will drive me crazy cause I want to plan.
• This is the part where I start to go even more crazy thinking that in a way this is not fair because I had her first. I don't want to marry her but like shouldn't he have asked my permission first? I'm not entirely sure if I would have allowed him or not.
• This is the part where I wonder what its like. She seemed so natural about it, no screaming, no dancing...very anti climax...I think there should be some sort of festivities involved. I want to get drunk with her in pretty clothes and flash her ring and be girly and cry and stuff. This is difficult when she is in Windsor.

• This is the part where I wonder if she will be playing Westlife at the wedding. I will cry. I'm going to cry now. OHHH, its sooo romantic.
• This is where I note that yes, waterproof mascara is a must.
• What will I wear?

#LJK$;orlihS;rhiwporh paiewhl;sdjg[ osidhfOIHS:Ofiheas

My mother/father/boyfriend/friends all say I am going to give myself a heart attack. Whether this statement holds true or not is irrevelevant.

To say I put myself under a lot of stress is an understatement. I am your typical type-A personality who can't leave well enough alone and who constantly is searching for the next crisis to heave upon friends and family alike.

Current crises(?)

1. Apartment Hunting
2. Job Hunting
3. Skipping town to study en francais
4. Money as per usual

See, I don't know whats the big worry about the apartment hunting thing with my parents. They seem to still be under the impression that I am making them come up and move me. This is not so. I shall be inventive and move myself with the help of some friends. Or so I hope. If not I will end up pushing a cart willed with my belongings up and down the street all day. So there. I know that I am crazy by wanting to paint the entire apartment before I move in, while I only have 8 days between move in day and send off day to La Belle Provanice (?) So yes, okay it will be hectic but I will get what I want dammnit.

Job Hunting - see my boss is a fucknut and I hate him and he doesn't give me many hours and we think he likes to look at girls in innappropriate ways and he creeps a many out and ya. I want to quit. But tis very difficult to say to a prospective employer that I have to leave for a month. So I still need to find something else. Drat.

Leaving town to go study nine days after moving is an adventure that no one around me seems to find the maniac happiness in. My parents think they are going to come up and move me while I am away. HA no. I shall do it.

I shall do it all because I am stubborn and yes, will probably give myself a heart attack. People who don't know me say I stress too much, those who know me know I bring the madness and wacky hijinx upon myself.

Bipolarlingual

Alright does this make me a bad person?

Last night this crazy bum tried to follow me home mumbling something. Today while I was walking home from work I saw crazy bum again, walking towards me. I try to ignore him but he follows me, he starts asking for change. I have decieded to use my own "I don't understand the language in which you speak routine" so he will leave me alone. So I say "no parlez anglais." To which he begs for change...in French. The bum was bilingual - I am not. Who is really the bum?

Secondly, I am going to Montreal this summer to study french so I will no longer be la bum. I get to study at the universite de montreal for a month and I'm rather excited about it! Let the bastardization of the language end one mouth at a time.

a thing i did

What type of Fae are you?

The Saga of the Phone

If you know me, you know that I am permantly attached to my phone. Well, last tuesday I lost said phone while on a walk. This not only lead to great anguish but a great new shiny phone as well, which cost me a whole bunch of money but was worth it because I needed another phone.

Okay so yeah new phone...then I got my old phone returned to me - yeah old phone. So now I have two phones.

Fast forward to today - I want to go for another walk again. So I go down to the grand river with Scotty and we are having fun. We climb down to the river bank I have have fun dipping my toes in the water and squelling because its SO COLD! Well thinking OOOH new phone is camera phone - I pull it out and take a picture of Scott with it. Oh Yeah Fun. Then I'm like "the water is so pretty I should take a picture of it to be my wallpaper" so I hold my phone out and it drops/slips/falls/escapes from my hand...into the grand river.

Now pause...I'm wearing a skirt. Play: I scream FUCK... MY PHONE! and jump into said river and grab it. Oh sweet jesus, its still working...then not. So I have to scramble up the steps in my skirt, going up these big boulder stairs on my knees, cradling my phone and going oh shit I dropped my phone in the river, I can't believe I just dropped my seven day old $400 phone in the fucking grand river. I go to a bench and dismantle the phone and start wiping it on my shirt to get off some of the water. Then I notice the phone is bleeding. Apparently when it gets wet there is a dye marker that turns red and your phone bleeds - this is not good because it kinda voids the warrenty but hopefully with my extended warrenty I don't have to worry - hopefully.

Anyways I rush home and tell my hunny the story. To which he just shakes his head and echos the sentiment that seems to resound with this situation: only me. The phone continues to dry out.

not myself, then who?

I don't feel like myself today.

This leads me to worry who am I feeling like today? And why do I feel this way? And since I have no answers I shall instead just let my mental diatribe flow and make this post irrational. Well, maybe someone rational - I shall number my thoughts.

1. Why doesn't the expositor want to pay me for my article submission before they have even read it? Could it be that they...

• think I'm just a student who can't write
• are cheap bastards
• prefer to use newswire copy than pay students who are struggling to pay and learn a craft that they are part of...what happened to solidarity???
• may have a change of heart once they read my article? Hope so.

2. I lost my cell phone. This makes me sad. So I had to get a new phone number which is a really cool number and I got a cool new phone but this is besides the point. I feel weird with people not having my number. It tis strange.

3. I woke up at 8am and actually got out of bed - what makes this so VERY strange is my first class isn't til 7pm. Oooooh, creepy.

4. Dave is sick and therefore usually unconcious. Not talking to him baffles me.

5. The city clerk lady was grumpy, bah FREEDOM OF INFORMATION REQUEST - how is it freedom when it isn't free? Not freedom, its paying for information - like a secret agent or mafia man. The government sucks.

6. What if the expositor, a paper I don't exactly regard highly, won't run my article. I think I will start drinking...more.

7. Okay I'm going into a profession which

• doesn't pay well
• isn't highly regarded
• is only highly regarded by peers
• is extremely competitive to get into
• and there is a shrinking job market for - who said this was a good idea?

oh ya...me. Shit.

8. I think I'm getting fatter, still. Shit.

9. I'm tired. This is not new but I thought I would throw it out there.

10. I don't have a full time summer job.

11. Big, big bills. Bah!

12. Lips are constantly dry - never happens til now. Its awful. Turning into Napolean Dynamite - WHERE"S MY CHAPSTICK!!>!!>

13. If I start to look like #12 I''m moving to a box, that resides in a hole in the ground.

Okay unlucky 13. I'm done.

A Lousy Excuse for a Post - Boredom Results

You Are 29 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

You Are Broccoli Casserole Soda

Vegetarians taste better!

What Jones Holiday Soda Are You?

Your Scholastic Strength Is Deep Thinking

You aren't afraid to delve head first into a difficult subject, with mastery as your goal.You are talented at adapting, motivating others, managing resources, and analyzing risk. You should major in: PhilosophyMusicTheologyArtHistoryForeign language

What Should You Major In?

Reeses Peanut Butter Cups

Very popular, one of you is not enough.

What Kind of Candy Are You?

Your Birthdate: September 8

Watch out Donald Trump! You've got a head for business and money.You'll make it rich some day, even if you haven't figured out how yet.A supreme individualist, you shouldn't get stuck in a corporate job.Instead, make your own way - so that you can be the boss. Your strength: Your undying determination Your weakness: You require an opulent lifestyle Your power color: Plum Your power symbol: Dollar sign Your power month: August

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

You Are Austin

A little bit country, a little bit rock and roll.You're totally weird and very proud of it.Artistic and freaky, you still seem to fit in... in your own strange way. Famous Austin residents: Lance Armstrong, Sandra Bullock, Andy Roddick

What American City Are You?

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Mute Cannibal. Where You Lived: Israel. How You Died: Consumption.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy: Your propensity for monogamy is medium.In general, you prefer to have only one love interest.But it's hard for you to stay devoted for too long!There's too much eye candy to keep you from wandering. Experience Level: Your experience level is medium.You probably have had a couple significant loves.And you may have even had your heart broken.But you haven't really dated a wide variety of people. Dominance: Your dominance is low.This doesn't mean you're a doormat, just balanced.You know a relationship is not about getting your way.And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom. Cynicism: Your cynicism is low.You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance.No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter.You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate.And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon. Independence: Your independence is medium.In relationships, you need both "me time" and "we time."You usually find it easy to be part of a couple.But occasionally you start to feel a little smothered.

The Five Variable Love Test

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person.You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily.Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend.Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

You Are Mr. Burns

Okay, so you're evil... You have big plans to rule the world, and you'll destroy it in the process if necessary! You will be remembered for: the exploitation of the masses Life philosophy: "One dollar for eternal happiness? I'd be happier with the dollar."

The Simpsons Personality Test

Your Eyes Should Be Brown

Your eyes reflect: Depth and wisdom What's hidden behind your eyes: A tender heart

What Color Should Your Eyes Be?

Your Kissing Purity Score: 57% Pure

For you, kissing isn't a casual thing Lip to lip action makes your heart sing

Kissing Purity Test

You Are Fozzie Bear

"Wocka! Wocka!"You're the life of the party, and you love making people crack up.If only your routine didn't always bomb!You may find more groans than laughs, but always keep the jokes coming.

The Muppet Personality Test

You Are Somewhat Machiavellian

You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead...But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself.You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place.You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to!

How Machiavellian Are You?

You Are a Caramel Crunch Donut

You're a complex creature, and you're guilty of complicating things for fun.You've been known to sit around pondering the meaning of life...Or at times, pondering the meaning of your doughnut.To frost or not to frost? To fill or not to fill? These are your eternal questions.

What Donut Are You?

Your Job Dissatisfaction Level is 44%

Well, you don't have the worst job in the world, but it's not great.And don't worry, you're not the problem - your company is.Start looking around for another job, even if you're not totally fed up.Because in time, you're going to be dying to quit!

Should You Quit Your Job?

You are

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

You Are 40% Boyish and 60% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

You Are Apple Green

You are almost super-humanly upbeat. You have a very positive energy that surrounds you.And while you are happy go lucky, you're also charmingly assertive.You get what you want, even if you have to persuade those against you to see things your way.Reflective and thoughtful, you know yourself well - and you know that you want out of life.

What Color Green Are You?

Your Dating Purity Score: 89%

You are an innocent dater.You're either lacking in dating experience or have had a long serious relationship.Either way, there's still plenty of fish in the sea out there for you to sample!

Dating Purity Test

You Should Learn French

C'est super! You appreciate the finer things in life... wine, art, cheese, love affairs.You are definitely a Parisian at heart. You just need your tongue to catch up...

What Language Should You Learn?

I'm embarrassed

So as I am sick again I went to the school doctor, which in itself, is exciting. All is fine and dandy, fill out a few forms etc and voila ...I'm in the doctor room, check up, clinic room things. You know that place...oh, examination room - yes, that's it. Anyways, so she checks out my throat which apparently is in very bad condition, her exact words are "inflamed, red, with white spots"...And I get a prescription. All is well until she asks me a few more questions, just to help fill out my medical history.

" What's your family medical history?" "Blah Blah Blah"
"Have you had any surgeries?" "Blah Blah"
" Are you sexually active?" "Cough, gasp" Sad look - "No"
"Have you ever been?" embarrassed look - "No"
Puzzled look from Doctor...And that's it.

I'm a virgin...At eighteen and that makes me a freak. I don't think the doctor believed me. I don't know if I would have believed me. And for some strange reason I'm embarrassed by this fact.

It doesn't really help that after the appointment I ranted to Erin, who decided it would be a good idea to scream in the middle of the student centre "SO WHAT YOU'VE NEVER HAD SEX"...More embarrassment.

Which leads me to a paradox - I'm glad I'm a virgin and I know I'm in the right but...I'm slightly ashamed of my virginity in face of a society where having sex is the biggest, best and most important thing ever.

***on a side note - the kids in that picture look 13! I bet they can't even spell abstinence***

Crazy Glue Anyone? Putting the Pieces Back Together

Well it has been a week since I have returned home and the process of pulling my life back together continues. Todays Edition: Laundry Day.

Now, I think its fairly common for one to dread laundry day and I am certainly no exception. My wonderful building along with its charming slanted floors and non-existant elevator, has not a laundry room. This poses some difficulties.

Suppose someone who shall remain nameless...waits until the very last moment to do her laundry. The very last moment, being in the world of undergarment hierarchy, the day when she has to wear a thong. So this person, now wearing a thong against her will and better judgement has to procure other articles of clothing so that she can drag all her articles of clothing down four flights of stairs and down the street a bit and into the laundry mat without getting arrested. So she ends up looking like a hobo, doing laundry.

Now back to that bit of dragging things down stairs...this is fun...really - it really really is fun. Still don't believe me? Good. I was lying.

I...I mean she...has to put her clothing, after sorting it, into bags. A Price Chopper Bag for her undergarments and socks, a black garbage bag for everything considered "dark" and a duffel bag for whites and lights + her purse with laundry detergent and fabric softener and dryer sheets and her poli sci text book in it.

All this, down the stairs.

Well today I, of course meaning she, was creative. And by creative I mean full of destructive tendencies. She...oh I give up...I threw the garbage bag full of clothes down the full four flights of stairs, which is just as much fun as you would think it would be. I was tired of carrying that blasted bag, and its not like it contained anything breakable so I tossed, it fell and was waiting for me when I caught up with it.

Now, one thing about laundry mats is that generally speaking they come equipped with a creepy middleaged man - the kind that likes to stare at young thangs. Today, of course, was no exception. Luckily, I got through this ordeal without him trying to communicate with me or sniffing my said undergarments. He did stare though. Ick.

Well laundry takes long and its good to have it home and clean and folded...not put away but thats evidently for another time.

Unfortunately, laundry has a terrible habit of coming back. Laundry is never done - the clothes I am wearing are now considered in need of wash...which means I have laundry to do and I always will. How awful. This most be how nudism started - someone fed up with always having laundry to do. Hmmm, interesting.

Afraid

I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know if anyone else is feeling like this but as my first night back in my apartment alone - I'm afraid to go to sleep.

Everytime I hear someone in the hallway or a loud noise or a siren my pulse quickens and I get so afraid. I also had two major fears, the first was my residence being on fire and the second was having someone break in. One down.

I really don't know how I will sleep tonight. I'm waiting to hear someone pound on my door or running in the hallways or something...

This whole experience has left me feeling helpless and empty and very tired and lost. I am so far behind in my school work and house work that I'm overwhelmed and very unsure of what to do first and what to do with myself.

Dave was here today and helped me do some dishes. This helped. But its like I can't function. I was never so scared in my life last Tuesday.

I thought that everything I owned was going to be gone, I thought that my life was over. I'm still in shock of seeing the building on fire...I still have that image in my head. I'm still nauseated.

The Sad Aftermath in Sepia and B&W

Tuesday

Just when you think you've got life figured out it sends you a curve ball...or in this case a fire ball. On tuesday night after I had gone to the movies with Colleen, after I was tucked into bed and almost naked, just before I was saying my goodnights...someone starts pounding on the door - "GET OUT OF THE BUILDING!"...and my pulse starts to race. I can't decide whether to ignore my possibly drunk neighbours or to heed their warning. I decide on the side of safety and grab that days clothes, my keys and my cell phone and leave my apartment.

I smell smoke. I tell Dave I'll call him back.

I run downstairs, someone tells me the church is on fire. I try to call Colleen.

I see Colleen at the bottom of the stairs and run to her, grab onto her arm and we walk/run/escape outside.

I look up and see something like this.
I start to panic and I remember being at a loss for words but not for thoughts. I was thinking "there goes my life, I'm going to have nothing, everything I have is going to burn away, I'm going to have to drop out of University, I will have nothing" - but my mouth was just saying "Oh my God" over and over.

At this point I start to hyperventalate. The fire looks like its going to spread, my apartment building is only ten feet away from the flames. We can feel the heat of the fire on our faces. I can't watch this anymore. I can't watch my life burn away.I wonder what I looked like at that moment - because Colleen and Jocelyn pulled me away and took me to another building. I dont remember walking there. I just remember showing up. No one has pulled the fire alarm yet.
I remember calling my parents, buddy picking up the phone and saying that I can't talk to them - they were sleeping. Due to stress I kind of freaked out and said YOU CAN WAKE THEM UP MY BUILDINGS ON FIRE! And he immediately gave my Dad the phone.
He told me everything would be okay - a reacurring theme from Dave and my Dad and Colleen and Jocelyne - which was good because I was convinced it wasnt going to be.

After we were all taken to the basement of GRH where we were given candy and water and tylenol to keep us calm. It kind of remands a blur where I was just scared.

Eventually we were sorted out to sleep at Erin's that night while other students were being shipped to the Holiday Inn.

The night at Erin's was restless. I sat in the living room and watched the fire till 4am when I finally couldn't watch anymore. I went to sleep.
When I awoke I watched some more. It was impossible to look away knowing that my house was right there and I couldn't tell what had become of it. When Dave called me that morning as we talked I continued to stare into the space that once was occupied by the church - the steeple still stood and I watched as a piece fell off.
After that I just wanted to see my building but at the same time feared that more than anything. I didnt want to walk around the corner and see blackened walls, chunks of my apartment missing etc. When I first saw the church though my breath was taken away. It was gone.

Later on in the day we were told that our apartments should be fine but we can't go home just yet. They were worried about the church building collapsing onto ours and because of this at two o'clock we were given 20 minutes to rush in and grab whatever belongings we needed to sustain us for un indeterminate amount of time.

So we made a plan: Laura and Erin and Scott would help us - Laura would come with me and Erin would go with Colleen. We had our list of belongings and would grab while the other packed.
To say this went well would be an understatement. We were out in just over 10 minutes and Colleen had enough stuff with her for a very very long time.

Soon the bus arrived and off we went. We went to the Holiday Inn, struggled to drag our possessions to the hotel room and promptly collapsed. The last day and a half had been an emotional rollarcoaster and we were tired.

We put on our pajamas, and went to bed. At 3:30pm.

We didn't move till dinner when we had milkshakes - all we could stomach. The University set us up that we could have $10 a meal and we would have to pay the difference. We were well taken care off.

The next few days are a blur. I have just returned home and I'm so grateful everything is okay. We are still tired, but releaved. Our home is safe and we are safe at home.