At the end of my rope...

16 days, 10 hours, 37 minutes and 3 seconds...2 seconds...1 second...

The countdown has begun till exams are over and it can't be soon enough. I love University - honestly and truly I do but my god I will be a happy camper when this is done. I am so sick of my profs and my courses and my textbooks and crazy syllabuses and projects and midterms and more midterms and assignments and everything that if this semester doesn't end soon I will be very very - sad.

But it is almost done. I must remember this...its almost over. A good mantra really - university is almost done...for now.

While we are at it I am sick of this day as well. It's only 1:26 but I don't like it so far. I'm tired. And grumpy. So there.

I've been a lot of both lately. I'm sorry. I'm going to stop blabbering now.

Buh bye.

Frozen Toes and Melting Heart (CHEESE)

I went to the Santa Claus Parade tonight to write an article. Then I started to cry. I have been so mushy lately; quite ridiculous.

I started thinking that I was alone at the Santa Claus Parade. The last time to a parade I went I was six and with my family. Now I'm in a foreign city alone.

The Nightmare Before Christmas

This is the dream I had last night.

In my dream I was at a event of some sort where we had to watch disney cartoons for twelve hours; my entire immediate family was there and we watched the cartoons. By the time the cartoons were finished it was 10am the people at the event worked for Canadian Tire (even though the building and uniforms look like Home Depot). They said that they are doing a fundraising event for people who do not have shoes or floors and if we bring in shoes and ceramic tiles for tonight the poor shoeless, floorless people will get shoes and a floor. Hearing this I immediatly start to gather up old shoes and end up with 22 pairs. I was and bleach them (they were all white), sew the bits falling up back on and generally clean them up really really well. I also go out and find tiles at the dollar store cheap so that the shoeless, floorless may have shoes and floors. So this takes another 12 hours to do and at the end of the day I'm tired and bit cranky because I haven't been able to talk to Dave but I know that I will be done soon and it will all be worth it.

So I cart off all the shoes and ceramic tiles to Canadian Tire. When I arrive there are other people there with shopping carts full of shoes and tiles just like me and we all wait around. An anouncement is made saying that they are no longer doing to fundraiser for whatever reason so we can just take all our shoes and tiles and beat it. I trip out.

I start screaming "WHAT ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO NEED SHOES!?" "WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO!?" "HOW CAN YOU DO THIS" "I WANT TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE!" So they pull the crazy lady (me) aside and start saying that I have to leave, they don't want to give the shoeless shoes anymore. And I start throwing a ceramic tile at this guy. "I want to talk to your MANAGER!!!!" (who is the lady running the cartoons the previous night), well they say she will meet you over here and they take me to the back of the building in an aisle no one ever goes down. As I'm waiting there I realize the reason they put me here is so no one can here my yelling. So I barge out and say "I'm not waiting there. You are just doing it so no one heres me yelling!" They say, "Thats true, I was cutting metal over in aisle 13 and all I could hear was you". So I stand in the centre hallway and wait. And while I'm waiting a girl from one of my classes who in real life I don't think likes me comes up in her home depot uniform and starts mocking me.

SO obviously, I start kickboxing and punching at her for the sake of the shoeless and floorless everywhere. So we are fighting but every few minutes I start to break down and cry saying "how can you not think of the shoeless! they have no shoes! do this for them! and I'm absolutely balling my eyes out. Its awful. Then I wake up.

The funny thing about me though is if the dream is bad enough like that it will effect me. So I tell Dave the whole story and he knows I get the strangest most twisted dreams which he has accepted by now and being the good person he is asks..."are you okay"?

Ripple Effect

{Self-Portrait}

My mother yelled at me last night.
This makes me act like a small wounded animal; I crawl into my corner, hold my blanket and eat chocolate.

Only my mother can do this to me.

As most of you know, I have a strong personality. I have my definte opinions and have my own way of communicating with the world. I don't when my mother yells at me.

I don't know why she scares me so badly when she does, I'm 18 but when she yells I'm instantly three again. My mother is my kriptonite.

I love her and I know she loves me but when she is mad - give me my blanket and reeses cups...you won't see me for a while.

In the case of my mother I can either fight or flight. I have fought many a time before, I don't like seeing her like that. I don't like me seeing her as that. So I hide.

My mother was angry that I wasn't coming home for Christmas longer. I'm going from the morning of the 23rd to the afternoon of the 28th, I would have liked to stay longer but I have to work. I tried to tell her that and I just started crying and immediately felt sorry for my self.

But I do have to work because I have to pay for things: like the bloody train tickets down and back. My parents pay my rent and God bless them for it but I pay my electricity bill, my gas bill, my tuition, my groceries and my text books. Which is a lot for a part time university student. I don't want to talk about this anymore. I'm still upset.

The Day of Perfect Sensibility and Progress

{Oh how sensible!}

Today is feeling quaint, that is if a day could feel quaint. Perhaps it is my progress and exceptional time management skills today that feel quaint because I know they will never, ever last.

Well I rose at perfectly sensible hour of 8:50am to wake up, shower {including shaving my entire legs which never happens in the winter because I will not be wearing anything shorter than knee length but for the sake of progress I shave}, get dressed in comfortable university type clothes and head of to speak to a professor. I arrive, we chat, I get accepted into his class of now five. Ooh, I love the small campus. I leave and head over to the library to work and find great literature. After an hour or so I departand head for the local mall. I buy a gift bag and some gum - all perfectly reasonable. I walk over to university campus buildings, drop of required things to drop off and venture into the new student centre where emotion takes over.

It's f-in gorgeous! The student lounge is like a nice hotel. I want to live there.

Now, back to the perfectly reasonable. I take a local paper from the lounge, walk to the movie store, rent When Harry Met Sally for...
Watch out ...unreasonable...for the scene where she fakes an orgasim in a diner and a woman says to a waitress "I want what she's having"...hilarious...

Okay, back to perfectly sensible. I pay my late fees, go home, pick up flyers and my mail, walk up the stairs and to my apartment and sit and think how sensible I am.

And ponder...how long is it going to last?

Let them eat cake and binge drink

{tyr and sotp me, you wont cause you dont care that much}

I know I shouldnt be doing this. But i am. I am drinking while writing an essay. I know that usually I am a responsible, good natured person and I know this blog will surely haunt me when my friends realize what I am doing. And they will respect me less. But this blog is not for their benefit but for mine. Today as the stress hits me; 72.4% on my SoPo project, 64 or somthing % on my ReARg midterm and an essay due tomorrow and an exam and work and a project due that I really need to work on somemore and an overdose on Jaffa Cakes [i admit it a whole box] and late fines and no mooney and course decisions and the fear of rejection all lead me to one conclusion about an hour ago. Crack the music, take off my sweater, open a bottle of booze and dance around my living room like the idiot I secretely am. Hold on...I like this song. And you know what is sadder than all my exploits? The fact that no one living in this city cares enough to stop me. So BAH HUMBUG! I drown my cares in a tiny bottle of booze and don't feel good about it. I wish I was doing something else, somewhere else - I know why university students commit suicide. I heard Trent University students have longer reading weeks because their suicide rate is so high. Makes sense. I won't die but I will dance in my underwear with a bottle of booze in my hand for the most childish reason possible - no one can stop me.

Give Me A Second...

{are you the bird or the idiot in the taxi?}

There are exactly...one...two...three...eight days of school left [not including weekends] and the school work has gotten to the point where I no longer feel like I'm living. I'm not sure what day it is, what is due when, but I know if I stop working I will infact explode. I feel like I haven't stopped working since Monday at 10am; work is only punctuated with sleep at random intervals, phone calls, some eating [not much], showering and the changing of clothes. Not till December 5th will I function properly again. I have become a university robot.

This is actually a rare affliction, only happening to those with some procrastination tendencies, a large workload and the sentiment to actually care about their grades regardless that they are now in University and no longer have to fight to rest uncomfortably in its ivory arms.

As a three month old student I know a few things now that I would like to tell myself back in August if I sometime in the near future recieve a time machine:

• 8:30 classes are brutal and don't get behind in your readings.
• The 21st class is going to be a waste of time.
• Try to eat things before they rot.
• Don't wait to do laundry till your on your last pair of everything.
• Don't let yourself work as much as you do.

These things may seem like common sense but to my own psyche they are not, apparently.

Now time for random questions:

• Is it better for one to speak two languages half descently or one language perfectly?
• If you leave your cell phone in your refrigerator can you hear it when it rings? [tested, the answer is yes - even on vibrate!]
• If the goverment goes to the American time change of two hours each way I will never be able to get up for 8:30 classes, are they really that dumb to do that to me!? [hypothesis, yes they are that dumb]
• Is scratching oneself a nervous or anxious tendency?
• Cellar Door: is it really the most beautiful phrase?
• Do I have a big nose? [no more make over shows for me]

One Week To Take Over the World

{Neon Was Invented Today}

Well, maybe not TAKE over the world but thats what it sure feels like sometimes.
This week has been full of volunteering and commitees and essays and studying some good old fashioned ass-kicking.

I want to be on the journalism guild commitee to help the program grow - but mostly because I'm passionate about journalism, I'm damn smart and I'm the only one I trust not to f this up. And I think my Prof already made me Exec. Should I start printing business cards?

Today I worked on getting things ready for the premiere that I'm organizing and that city hall is going to show up to...boooh ya! I ran around photocopying flyers, fixing press releases, booking rooms and speakers for the second showing and working out story ideas. It twas a day of work but I loved it.

And I woke up at 9 this morning to read the Communist Manifesto. All in a day's work really.

Tonight I have to study, do laundry and continue to plot my world domination. But first...I'm hungry.

To Quote Counting Crows....

{Glorious Sunday Morning}

"I'm In Love, I'm in Love, I'm in Love, I'm in Love, I'm in Love, I'm in Love, Accidentally in Love, Accidentally in Love. "

My hunny surprised me this morning. He told me that Sarah wanted to talk to me before church so I should get there early this morning, so I did. And I waited and there was a knock on the church door and I open it and there is Sarah...with Dave right behind her. Of course I first said "I told you so!" because I had guessed earlier this week that he would be at church on sunday and he denied it. Then I called him a liar...but all was forgiven very very very quickly. He only stayed for the church service because he had to work but it was nice to have someones hand to hold. My goodness I love surprises and my goodness I love him. I am so happy right now!

Pockets: Holders of Keys, Lipbalm and Memories {How Cheesy Was That!?}

{Dry-Cleaned Ticket Stub}

Well as I was cleaning my apartment/looking for my student card I happened apon a pocket. The pocket of my leather jacket filled with some fluff and throat candies and...a ticket stub. A ticket stub from March 16th 2005 when Dave and myself saw Constantine. This of course does not bring memories back to you but it does to me.

When I went up to see Dave in March I hadn't seen him since November 2004 which was obviously painful. Also this was my trip to visit Laurier for the first time (I still thought I was going to Ryerson). Also this was a three day escape from home.

It was a wonderful three days but at the end of it I cried so hard...I remember not wanting to wake Dave's parents up with my sobs the night he had to drive me back to my Aunts which meant I was leaving the next day.

I remember him making fun of our tour guide on the Laurier tour and me thinking "this would be a nice second choice" but by the end of the trip thinking that I should go here instead of Ryerson after all.

I remember getting my acceptance to Laurier the day I toured it, with Matt calling me and telling me and me yelling at him then feeling really really bad and apologizing. I love my little brother.

Its kind of funny that I think back and remember all this just by finding this dry-cleaned ticket stub in a pocket.

I AM... a University Student

{Institutionalized}

I am a university student...
I wait to do laundry till I run out of important some may say essential undergarments
I get excited when frozen pizza is on sale
I love in a non platonic way my coffee maker
I rather sleep in till 12 and stay up till 1 then hold regular hours
I sleep according to my classes (if I have an 8:30am class and then a break I will be napping)
I have learned how to drift off in public places
I have learned to love the clipboard to hold my papers
I know what it is like to not sleep
I stir my coffee with a knife when I don't do dishes
I eat with plastic utensils when I run out of knifes
I procrastinate
I do laundry in the bathtub
I can say "fuck" around my professors and not have to worry about getting sent to the "office"
I have learned to love instant food or starve
I hate the government more than ever for various reasons

Feel free to add your own...

I Can't Be Accountable

{Cinematic Horror}

The scene: young woman, about 18 or possibly older works a John McDermont Concert at the merchandise booth.
Enter: mob of John McDermont crazed adults who don't know how to make a line.
We now watch as the young woman slips rather quickly into bitchy insanity.

At the end of the night we watch as the young womans' self esteem plumits as she realizes she can't count money and comes up short. Next: her boss and the band manager both look at her like a common criminal. Reaction: I want to go home. Time: Midnight...8.5 hours before a midterm she has not studied enough for.

A true story.

5:00am the next day: Young woman awakes and starts to study...but will it be enough?
Cut to 8:45 am: Young woman writing her midterm, gets to multiple choice and resigns herself to the fact that perhaps no, there was not enough studying done but if all else fails she can go home soon and sleep.

Pure blissful sleep.

Sleep she has not had enough of in recent days.

Sleep is wonderful.

She now likes work a little less.

Even though she makes $8.40 an hour.

Too much to do for one young woman who works.

Oh well, she is punished for taking time off and only works not as much in November.

She has to do laundry - the end.

Commander In Chief

{I rock this bitch}
Who's the boss? I'm the boss.

Who is editor/anal retentive/control freak of the BluePrint?! I am!

And who looks very stylish today? THAT WOULD BE ME.

Life goals: accomplished.

Well not really but this is very very exciting. For my journalism project I am going to be editor of BluePrint my very first magazine which we will actually publish and distribute and hopefully get me good grades, awesome clippings and not kill me in the process. All loftly goals yes but its me I can do anything.

Except get motivated to study for my midterm that is. I just can't do it so I'm doing anything else instead of what I should be doing. Alas, I procrastinate again.

But besides that horrible moot point I am so excited about my paper. And the staff seems to be really good. So yeah for that.

Oh and I found out I make $8.40 an hour! WOW. I thought I only made $7.45! GO CITY JOB!

Good Samaritian Rewarded with Pastry

{Pastry Thwarts All}

The other day - it felt like Sunday but it was actually Thursday when I went to work I encountered a problem that I could solve. One of the little ol' ladies at my work had an apple tree that dropped hundreds of apples but being of age could not pick them up herself so they rotted and ruined her large lawn. I saw a solution: me being of age to pick up apples would indeed go pick them up for her, dispose of the rotten apples and take the nice ones since she wouldn't have them and do something helpful with them. So that is what I did and apples where retrieved. They were brought home and with the help of Colleen were in the next two days transformed into magical pies. Magical you say? Yes, magical - because they were a solution. Solutions are magical, especially helpful solutions. A problem - apples too many - turned into pies of six. Pies of six were distributed into those in need of pastry. Pastry was consumed. Hunger was solved. The world is at peace.

Britney Spears and the Bible Go Hand in Hand 1,050,000 Times

{Toxic Indeed}

Now for an expirement: who gets more hits...Britney Spears or the Bible?

Britney Spears (also known as the Angel of Death and Bad Taste): 51,500,000 hits
The Bible (also known as the Word of God): 166,000,000 hits

Well perhaps we aren't going to hell in a hand basket, thank God. Still the Bible only registered about 3x the amount of hits of Ms. Spears.

Perhaps even still more interesting is how many hits for Britney Spears + the Bible located on the same site? Hmmm.

The result? 1,050,000

Some interesting snipets:

“Pop singer Britney Spears has reportedly attended a church service where she and her mother cried, hugged and responded to an altar call.” “The report states a television crew was filming the service, and some speculated Spears was merely trying to get publicity.”
http://worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=37047

"A BIBLE FOR BRITNEY SPEARS? Revolve is a new Testament for teenage girls designed to resemble a fashion magazine.”
http://goliath.ecnext.com/comsite5/bin/pdinventory.pl?pdlanding=1&referid=2750&item_id=0199-3381291&words=Bible_Britney_Spears

Funniest snipet? On the second page of my yahoo search was the link for... Church of Satan: Official Website! www.churchofsatan.com Point Made.

Maybe I'm A Lonely Man In the Middle of Something that He Doesn't Really Understand

{Make Media Not War}

Have you ever read anything by Julian Barnes? You should, I promise. He has spawned one of my great love affairs, that is the one with the public library. Anyways, just read this...its quite intelligent I think and its from one of his short stories intitled the Revival.

" When did you last have your hands kissed? And if you did, how do you know he was any good at it? (Futher, when did anyone last write to you about kissing your hands?) Here is the argument for the world of reunciation. If we know more about consummation, they knew more about desire. If we know more about numbers, they knew more about despair. If we know more about boasting, they knew more about memory. They had foot-kissing, we have toe-sucking. You still prefer our side of the equation? You may well be right. Then try a simpler formulation: if we know more about sex, they knew more about love."

Don't ask me what this post is about, I get all dreamy after reading a good book resulting in a craving for good coffee, a thick blanket, a notebook, an inky pen and perhaps a moonlit room.

This is a horrible mood to study in because you can't study when you are like this. You just want to write and read and think about love and God and nature and futures and pasts and everything important that will not be on your exam on tuesday.

It makes me want to listen to songs like "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road", "Halleluija", anything by Death Cab for Cutie or anything with strange deep lyrics and less than 40 beats per minute.

I have such strange moods and the silliest things like books effect them. I have just told you of one mood jump started by good deep books but there are others.

Example...

If I were to watch a program on home decorating, I immediately start cleaning house, rearranging furniture and planning my dream kitchen.

If I watch a commercial for weight loss I start to plan my exercise routine but if say I happened to read about political scandals in the next moment I would be energized to save the world.

This had led me to a particulary horrible realization: we are what we read, watch or encounter. Well at least I am.

Now think of this...if you were to grow up in an environment that did not have any form of media - no television, no music, no books what would you create. If you were sat in this room void of media but given instruments, empty notepads etc what would come out? You would have no musical influences but were given training would a new genre of music be discovered? What about you were taught the rules of writing but given nothing to read, what would you write. How would you dance? How would you sing? What media-less, non influenced creations would emerge?

A thought experiment, yes. A possible reality, no.

Unfourtunately we will never know anything new. As was said, "there is nothing new under the sun". Where did this saying come from? The Bible.

Boo,ya...http://www.biblegateway.org/quicksearch/?quicksearch=there+is+nothing+new+under+the+sun&qs_version=31.

Ecclesiasties 1:9. Ancient wisdom, regurgated for my own use in the realm of the internet thousands of years later. Bible as the oldest popular form of media? Hmm, interesting concept.

"What has been will be again,

what has been done will be done again;

there is nothing new under the sun."

Flashback Elegy

[Bookwormis Extradordonaries]

Today I was reminded once again how some things never change (some certainly do but that is for another post) and how comforting that can be at times.

Today as I was walking home from the library clutching my two text treasures I saw myself in my minds eye and took pause. Freeze frame that moment and see me with my curly hair, skirt and nose in a new book. Other details such as the credit card in my wallet, my height or the fact I'm returning from a University lecture in Brantford are not important. Compare those three details to me age at age 6,7,8,9 or 10 and they would be the same. Regardless of how I change I'm still a bookworm, still have curly hair and still like to be girly (and twirl in my skirts). This is so comforting because I realize I am still me internally though my outward appearance has changed. I'm still Holly who was teased every Christmas season in grade school for my name, I'm still the little girl who likes to get dressed up for church and I'm still the smarty pants who sometimes prefers human company to a good book for hours on end. The library is still a treasure trove and I still read books adults think are too old for me. I'm still me and I rejoice in this. I have remained authentic to myself in a world of plasticity; congratulations abound as I pat myself on the back.

A Post is a Post is a Post

[yaking of no consequence]

Quick rants
- a shout out to the Australian Queen promoter who touched my ass twice; if I was any braver I would go ape and slam sexual harassment on YOUR ass. Luckily for you I'm not.
- a shout out to the crew of Queen which I worked/saw tonight: good job but fake boobs don't suit men with hairy chests.
- to Christine: Engaged! Engaged! How engaging! Hurry up and wait eh?
- to my little Buddy: I miss you - but don't give pizza guys $14 tips
- to my train partner: nice talkin' to ya - alas we did not meet again. oh well.
- to my credit card: you sneaky little fiend, you shall be worn out by year end and I shall have to do all the dirty work. Bah to you!
- to my bedroom: I love sleeping with you but the restaurant downstairs makes you smell of tofu. How very strange - is there anything you can do about it?
- to my loving parents: you were very nice to me this weekend and it was good to be home. I hate saying goodbye.
- to Lifehouse: your song makes me cry so STOP IT! STOP IT NOW!
And this is what they call the end.

C'est la Vie and I Love It

{I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine}

"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."

I have him in my life, and I am so grateful.

How Much Are You Worth?

[my baby]

The world revolves around money and how much things cost and how much money can be made; in keeping with that materialistic state of mind I questioned my own worth and have come to a surprising conclusion.

First of all how much money does it take to run me for a month?
Well I go to university so tuition broken down per month is: $522.75
I spend approximately $200/month on groceries and food
My phone/internet/cable and others is approximately $300
My rent is $525
My electricity is $30
My textbooks broken down per month is: $125
So far I'm up to $1702.75 for just me...little ol' me.

This is not including clothes, dates and other miscellanious things including my parents phone bill to call me. So I cost about $2000 a month to run.

Now how much am I worth? According to www.humanforsale.com I am worth $1,846,970.
Here's the break down.

Gender: Female $135,000
Age:18 $50,000
Ethnicity:White/Caucasian $130,000
Height:5'4 $10,000
Weight: 150 lbs. ($5,000)
Body Type:
Average $0
Hair Color: Brown $5,000
Eye Color: Brown $1,000
Handed: Right $5,000
Body Hair: A Little Hairy $15,000
Shoe Size: 8 $5,000
Bald: No $0
20/20 Eyesight: No $0
Bra Size: None of Your Business
Cavities:None$5,000
Athletic Ability: Average $25,000
Attractiveness:NA $45,000
IQ: 140 $157,535
SAT Score:1300 $52,200
HS GPA: 3.7 $27,750
Education: Bachelor's Degree $0
Bilingual: No $0
Income: NA $0
Profession: Student $0
Alcohol: Seldom $0
Smoker: No $15,000
Pot: No $10,000
Drugs: No $10,000
Exercise: Occasionally $10,000
Divorced: No $0
Comitted Felony: No $15,000
Watch Television:
Occasionally $5,000
Sexuality: NA $25,000
Style: Excellent $95,000
Artistic: Above Average $45,000
Sense of Humor: Above Average $45,000
Addictive Personality: Yes ($15,000)
Give to Charity: Yes $25,000
Adult Content: Never $0
Gamble: Seldom $0
Multiplier x2
Total: $1,846,970